Death By Intent

If I have died and you missed the moment
Know that I went peacefully in my sleep
Of my own accord and timing, by my own
Hand which could no longer pound the keys
Pull the ropes, the weeds, the rabbit out of the hat

Let it be said that "she was a woman who had great timing"
Take what you want and we'll say I gave it to you long ago
It will not matter to me now, and who's to say it wasn't my
Intention all along

Peggy Pendleton
5/10/09

And She Does It In High Heels

No one covers ground like this dancing couple. They were incomparable and had the best composers and lyricists for the musicals they did together. They made ten films together. And though she was not the world's best dancer, so it's said, together they were magic. The footwork in this little number is worth paying attention to. This is the way I wanted to dance and this man is the man I wanted to dance with. I spent many productive hours as a child dancing around the house pretending to be Ginger Rogers and pretending that Fred Astaire was my permanent dance partner. I eventually gave up dancing for lack of a partner who danced. Never married a man who danced. Tom would dance at weddings and such, and he wasn't half bad, but I never did get that feeling of dancing the light fantastic that I dreamed of when I was a kid when these were the movies of my early childhood.


These are the great lyrics (by Dorothy Fields) to this song by Jerome Kern composed and written in 1936

Nothing's impossible I have found,
For when my chin is on the ground,
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off,
Start All over again.

Don't lose your confidence if you slip,
Be grateful for a pleasant trip,
And pick yourself up,
Dust yourself off,
Start all over again.

Work like a soul inspired,
Till the battle of the day is won.
You may be sick and tired,
But you'll be a man, my son!

Will you remember the famous men,
Who had to fall to rise again?
So take a deep breath,
Pick yourself up,
Dust yourself off,
Start all over again.

How To Survive In Difficult Times On Very Little

I came undone taking care of my mother during her dementia. She had given all her life savings in the last months of her days in Santa Barbara to a scam artist. And for the first time in this very smart and frugal woman's life she was buying cheap costume jewelry thinking it would up the odds of her winning the jackpot. Same with The Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. I started getting magazines I'd never read and didn't want because she kept adding to the number of magazines she subscribed to each month in a desperate desire to strike it rich. This was not the woman I'd grown up knowing. Maggy would never have done anything that crazy. She'd been saving her whole life to retire owning a house that was paid for. Never once making a purchase on a credit card she couldn't pay off that month. She drove an old, but well kept car that got good milage. And she worked into her mid-seventies. This silly behavior would have been mocked by the Maggy I knew.

Then I got the call from her that made it impossible to ignore this change of behavior. She called to tell me she'd won $500,000,000. I started to say something but before I could get a word out she said, "And I'm giving you a million." There was an uncomfortable silence while I searched for the right way to ask the question "How did you win five hundred million dollars?" I said, "Thanks Maggy. That's really generous of you." Easy does it. This is important. Don't spook her.

Then she said she was sending in the last check for the taxes on her winnings... Oh shit! I said, "How much are the taxes on FIVE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS? I tried very hard not to shout, but I was shouting in my head. Don't spook her, say nothing to shut her up. Remember she is stubborn and secretive.

"So where are you sending the money?"
"To Canada. I won the Canadian Lottery!"
"Have you already sent the money?"
"Yes."
"Did you write a check?"
"No, I sent it in in money orders."
"How much did you have to pay?"
"It was less than you'd think."
"Could you send it all at once?"
"No. This was my last payment."
"So, How much was this payment?"
"Only $30,000."
"Wow!"
Silence. Cough cough, breath holding, waiting for her to say more.
"So when do you get your winnings?"
"Christopher is going to come get me with the check. Then I get to pick the place I want to go to have the winner's photos taken. I'll be in the paper."
I bet you will. "Who is Christopher?"
"That's a stupid question."
"How could I know who Christopher is?"
"Well he's the representative of the Canadian Government." Oh crap, oh crap... We're fucked now.

And by the time I exercised the joint signature on her Salt Lake checking account, she only had $28,000 left. At the end of the first three years of her very slow death by loss of brain function, we were living on my credit cards. And every month I got offers for more credit cards with 0% interest for six months, no fees, bla bla bla. "Come, transfer balances from your other cards and make one easy payment." And that is how we survived until I could no longer make my minimum payments. Maggy qualified for Medicaid and then we got a little in-home health care. I slept during the hour that the home healthcare worker was with her.

And then I crashed for good. Twenty four hours in the ER for round the clock observation and two weeks in the looney bin isn't cheap. Then when I got out, I couldn't find my way around the block. What once had been as familiar as my own hand was an alien landscape. I was heavily medicated. And thus began the real agoraphobia. I could no longer work at all. I found shopping torture. I moved through my days like a zombie. And once a month I had to go to the shrink and get my meds checked. But after the bankruptcy and into the ensuing poverty I learned how to eat very cheaply but fairly well. I discovered the used meat section and the used mushroom section and the used baked good section and the... Whatever is about to expire gets deeply discounted. It's put on sale before it ends up at the shelter or food bank. It isn't really called "used meat." It's called, "reduced meat," and "reduced spinach" ... I can buy a half priced pork loin and cut it into sections, wrap very carefully and freeze. I do the same with chicken thighs, and split breasts with ribs in. Bread is divvied up and frozen, bagles too. Once in a great while, glazed donuts. I pay full price for my frozen blueberries and pineapple, but once in awhile I buy frozen peas marked down. I splurge on organic milk. I know it's crazy for a carnivore woman to care that her milk is organic, but it tastes better and comes in cartons, not plastic. I buy a lot of fruit and eat fruit salads. I almost live on salads in the summer.

I will no longer walk in a store without a shopping list. There are no shopping sprees, no impulse buying anymore. Everything but underwear and shoes comes from thrift stores. This is not shopping in the trendy little consignment shops or slightly used couture. No this is thrift store shopping. No more expensive high heels or sandals. A new pair of Teva sandals every summer. That's it. Oh, and I pay for the occasional matinee movie date.

I took a Nap and Summer Arrived

It has been an unusually wet Spring. So the yard is lush beyond anything I've ever seen this time of year. And what is usually a Spring job of weeding and clean up has become overwhelming. I look at the work and then think, I need a cup of tea and a nap cause it's a jungle out there. We live in an arid climate and this part of the valley has very poor soil. It's mostly clay that, once dried out, is like brick.

I have one tree that MUST be removed this year. I put it off last year due to the poverty of paying off the new roof on the little house. This year it has to go. But it's one of those trees that will need to be cut from the top down a little bit at a time. And this kind of tree cutting will require a cherry picker or as some call it, a bucket truck--the kind of vehicle used by utility companies with above ground cables to attend to. The kind of tree removal that a friend with a chain saw can't do because if any of it comes down in the wrong direction, it will crash down on the greenhouse roof of the little house solarium or on the new roof of the little house. It could take down my chain link fence, or the wooden fence or the neighbors fence or garage. It's a big job, but somebody's got to do it and soon.

For Tengrain, They Can't Take That Away From Me

I Run

I run hot and cold, sweet and sour, sometimes naughty
Even haughty, blunt too, rarely nice but often true
I run my errands in blackest black or very blue
But only in the darkest hue

I have withdrawn from most of life,
To feign a certain cool disdain
Avoiding strife, and it's illusion
Yet believe that this protects
Me from myself, and hide I do
Despite a need for human contact
I run, I run, I run from you

Take the Profit Out Of Health Insurance; Sign This Petition

Please sign this petition. Take the profit motive out of our health care system. Having a profit motive for health care coverage does not give you better health care or ever bring costs down. Don't let the Republicans keep lying to you about the horrors of the public options for covering your health care costs. I have been disabled for years and am on Social Security and Medicare covers my medical treatment. I have never had medicare insist I go to one doctor or hospital or another. It covers all the medical care I get, it never excludes charges or ups my copay. It covers my mental health costs as well as my visits to my cardiologist and internist. It covers tests. It covers hospital stays and it covers emergency room visits.

Before I got coverage under Social Security I was paying for private coverage through United Healthcare. I was self employed as all of us working in the entertainment industry with an agent are. Most of us are considered contract labor. We have no safety net. The cheapest coverage for an individual in the late 1990's was $500.00 a month. The moment I got a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, United Healthcare upped my monthly cost from a very hefty $500. a month for a single person, to $1,000. a month for one person. They also increased my copay. And they hassled me over every charge. I hate those bloodsuckers. Never again will I let a private for-profit company get between me and medicare. It is only Medicare part D, the Bush engineered prescription drug program that requires a private company to suck money out of the trust. This is the Republican toe in the door approach to Medicare. They will try very hard to convince you that you need them to manage your entire medicare coverage. This is a lie. It is utter bullshit! They want to get between you and medicare so they can make a buck. Fuck them! They have been sucking our blood way too long and abusing the right to any trust at all. If you like your private coverage, just wait until you get a diagnosis that will get costly. Then see how much you like them.

Conyers, What the Hell Are You EATING?

I stole this from my close personal friend Andrew Malcolm, highly esteemed blogger for the LA Times, and twitterer extraordinaire. And as Andrew has so rightly pointed out, one glimpse of Holder's face says it all, "WTF?" is what I imagine him thinking. Add your own caption.

The Truth About Social Security From Salon.com

This is one of the benefits of having lunch with Nick. The lie about Social Security is one of his areas of study and expertise. It was Nick who passed this to me, but I too get the daily update from Salon.com. Obviously Nick reads his updates, while I often just open my mail and skip actually reading it. This just might be the information that gets me back to actually reading my mail. Please read this. Our news media is not telling the truth about Social Security. Why? I'm not sure. I suspect it's just laziness or sloppiness, but whatever the reason, it's inexcusable. So, from Salon I give you the truth about Social Security.

Let's cut Social Security to pay for banker bailouts!

You are about to be hit by another wave of disinformation about how
Social Security is going broke and needs reforming (meaning, your
benefits must be cut). It's not true.

By Michael Lind

May. 12, 2009 |

On Tuesday, May 12, the trustees who oversee Social Security and
Medicare will issue their annual report. I don't know what will be in
the report. But I do know what the response will be. Conservatives,
libertarians and center-right Democrats will take whatever the report
says as evidence that there is an "entitlement crisis," which should
require us not only to address spiraling healthcare costs (a genuine
issue, affecting the private sector as well as Medicare and Medicaid)
but also the alleged "crisis" of Social Security (an imaginary
problem).

The coalition of libertarian zealots, Jeffersonian conservatives,
center-right Democrats and bankers and brokers who would like to earn
fees or commissions from the diversion of Social Security payroll
taxes into IRAs recycles the same arguments against Social Security,
rain or shine, boom or bust. They've been doing it for more than a
quarter-century, ever since a couple of libertarians wrote up a guide
for small-government conservatives on how to spread doubts about a
popular, solvent and effective entitlement. These tried-and-true
arguments will be dusted off and dragged through the media once again,
after the latest Social Security Trustees' report is published. Among
the bogus arguments you can expect:

The date at which Social Security will become bankrupt has advanced!
From annual report to annual report, the two key dates -- the date at
which Social Security payouts from the Trust Fund exceed payroll tax
intake, and the date at which the Trust Fund is exhausted -- advance
or retreat, depending on the contemporary economy and changes in
calculations. For example, in 1997 payouts were supposed to exceed
revenues in 2012 and the Trust Fund was supposed to be exhausted in
2029. By 2004, the trustees were more optimistic: The two dates were
2018 and 2042, respectively. If as a result of today's bad economic
conditions future growth rates are revised and the two dates are
slightly closer to the present in the latest report, should you be
concerned? No. Relax. When estimates vary so much, it would be crazy
to try to make public policy for the United States of nearly half a
century from now.

We have only two choices, or a combination -- cutting benefits or
raising the payroll tax. False. There are at least two other choices
that the deficit hawks never mention. One is more rapid economic
growth, which would make it easier to pay Social Security taxes in the
future without either benefit cuts or tax increases. The other option
that the doomsayers never discuss is an infusion of money from other
revenues, to supplement the payroll tax. Medicare is already paid for
partly by a payroll tax and partly by general revenues. Why not cut
the payroll tax and make up the difference out of general federal
taxes? If you want to be revenue-neutral, the Social Security
shortfall of about 2 percent of GDP between now and mid-century could
be patched with general revenue funds diverted from defense, if
without endangering our safety we could gradually lower defense
spending from its present wartime level of about 4 percent of GDP to 2
percent, which is more than most other advanced industrial countries
spend on defense.

Social Security and other entitlements are responsible for unfunded
liabilities of more than $100 trillion -- and as the baby boomers
begin to retire, the bill is coming due! Total nonsense.

About a decade ago, conservative and libertarian economists who oppose
Social Security, Medicare and other entitlements came up with a clever
rhetorical strategy. They would calculate the gap between the payroll
taxes that pay for these programs and estimated costs over time. But
there was one problem: The gap isn't all that scary, at least in the
near future. So in order to frighten the American people and their
elected leaders, deficit hawks cite the sum total of Social Security's
"unfunded liabilities" over 75 years. But even this -- a paltry $4.3
trillion over three-quarters of a century, according to the 2008
report -- isn't sufficiently terrifying.

In order to frighten gullible Americans, anti-Social Security
crusaders conflate Social Security with Medicare and talk about the
"entitlement crisis" in general. This masks the fact that Social
Security's projected shortfalls are minor, compared to those of
Medicare. Better yet, it produces a suitably spooky 75-year shortfall
of $42.9 trillion. And if this is not alarming enough, deficit hawks
can cite the truly apocalyptic figure of $101.7 trillion in combined
"entitlement" spending over an infinite time horizon.

The anti-Social Security lobby always presents the "unfunded
liabilities" of "entitlements" in scary dollar terms, rather than as
percentage points of GDP. Here's why: Over the next 75 years, the
Social Security shortfall at most hovers around 1 percent of total
U.S. GDP over that same period. Yes, that's right -- around a whopping
1 percent of U.S. GDP. And that is only in the unlikely event that
some combination of growth, taxes and benefit cuts do not eliminate
the shortfall in the future.

Dishonest deficit hawks also won't tell you that the Social Security
shortfall, at its worst, is only a minor cause of the total budget
deficit, which mainly has other origins. Among those are the
off-the-budget wars and the Bush tax cuts, which, if they had been
made permanent, would have created a 75-year shortfall between three
and six times greater than the Social Security shortfall (Furman and
Greenstein). By allowing tax rates for the rich to return to pre-Bush
levels, Obama has already averted huge potential revenue shortfalls
that would have made the gradual reduction of today's emergency-driven
deficits much harder.



By the way, the huge expansion of the deficit and debt in the last
year has had nothing to do with Social Security (without which not
only retirees but the economy as a whole would have been much worse
off). Indeed, thanks to the modest stimulus and the much larger
bailouts, the contribution of Social Security to long-term deficits --
always pretty small -- has just gotten a lot smaller in relative
terms. Anyone who says that the costs of the bailout mean we must now
cut Social Security is literally saying that in order to bail out the
bankers who created this crisis we need to slash benefits for American
retirees.

Who is behind this disinformation campaign? The deficit hawks include
billionaires like Ross Perot and Pete Peterson, Republican
conservatives, libertarians and "fiscally conservative" Blue Dog
Democrats. This coalition has campaigned against Social Security for
more than a quarter of a century.

In 1983, in the Cato Journal published by the libertarian Cato
Institute, Stuart Butler, a transplanted British Thatcherite, and
Peter Germanis published their manifesto"Achieving a 'Leninist'
Strategy." Small-government conservatives, they argued, should learn
from Lenin, who sought to shape history rather than wait patiently for
the inevitable evolution of socialism: "Unlike many other socialists
at the time, Lenin recognized that fundamental change is contingent
both upon a movement's ability to create a focused political coalition
and upon its success in isolating and weakening its opponents."

Our two Leninist libertarians went on to argue: "First, we must
recognize that there is a firm coalition behind the present Social
Security system, and that this coalition has been very effective in
winning political concessions for many years. Before Social Security
can be reformed [destroyed], we must begin to divide this coalition
and cast doubt on the picture of reality it presents to the general
public." Because the "political power of the elderly will only
increase in the future," Butler and Germanis argued that any plan to
phase out Social Security should assure the elderly and near-elderly
that they would get their benefits: "By accepting this principle, we
may succeed in neutralizing the most powerful element of the coalition
that opposes structural reform."

While pursuing a divide-and-rule policy to "neutralize" the elderly
and other supporters of Social Security, the authors of the Leninist
strategy called for libertarians to build up a counter-alliance
consisting of institutions that could profit from the privatization of
Social Security: "That coalition should consist of not only those who
will reap benefit from the IRA-based private system ... but also the
banks, insurance companies, and other institutions that will gain from
providing such plans to the public [emphasis added]." They continue:
"The business community, and financial institutions in particular,
would be an obvious element in this constituency. Not only does
business have a great deal to gain from a reform effort designed to
stimulate private savings, but it also has the power to be politically
influential and to be instrumental in mounting a public education
campaign."

In true cunning Leninist fashion, the opponents of Social Security
would disguise their revolutionary goal by pretending to be interested
only in modest, piecemeal reforms: "The first element consists of a
campaign to achieve small legislative changes that embellish the
private IRA system, making it in practice a small-scale Social
Security system that can supplement the federal system." Only when all
of the pieces were in place -- when the concerns of the elderly had
been "neutralized" by reassuring words, when banks and other
businesses seeking to cash in on Social Security privatization were
part of the libertarian alliance, and when business-funded campaigns
of "education" [that is, propaganda] had convinced most Americans that
Social Security was untrustworthy, would the Leninist right reveal its
true colors: "If these objectives are achieved, we will meet the next
financial crisis in Social Security with a private alternative ready
in the wings -- an alternative with which the public is familiar and
comfortable, and one that has the backing of a powerful political
force."

I mean, really. Is this the ultimate smoking gun, or what? Twenty-six
years ago, Butler and Germanis, in a journal they must have expected
few if any non-libertarians to read, laid out the elements of the
dishonest and cynical campaign against Social Security that the right
has pursued ever since, right up to George W. Bush's support in his
second term for the partial privatization of Social Security. Stuart
Butler is still at it; only last year he called, again, for abolishing
Social Security as an entitlement and turning it into a program for
the poor that would be funded or not from year to year at the whim of
Congress.

Even a Republican Congress was unwilling to touch the proverbial
"third rail," and in the aftermath of two stock market crashes in less
than a decade the idea of funneling Social Security funds into Wall
Street is going nowhere. But that doesn't mean the threat to Social
Security isn't over. Even if they can't directly privatize it, the
Leninists of the right will keep trying to "educate" Americans into
believing falsely that they personally are unlikely to receive their
full benefits and that Social Security somehow will bankrupt the
country -- even while they remind America's battered bankers and
brokers just how much money they could make on commissions by flipping
stocks if Social Security were gradually replaced by IRAs. Meanwhile,
they will keep trying to whittle away at America's most successful
social insurance program. They will call for converting it into a
means-tested welfare program, or rejiggering benefits formulas so that
inflation will render Social Security negligible as part of the
retirement income of most Americans. And all the while these radicals
of the right will disguise their true radicalism, pretending to be
centrist "fiscal conservatives" concerned about "fiscal
responsibility" and about "our children and grandchildren."
(Interestingly, children and grandchildren are not mentioned in the
Butler/Germanis manifesto, which contains several references to "the
business community, and financial institutions in particular.")

So be prepared, America. As soon as the latest trustees' report is
out, the media will be full of doomsayers and hand-wringers telling us
again, as they have told us year after year, decade after decade, that
we can't afford Social Security anymore. When they call on us to take
action now, we should indeed respond. With a yawn.



-- By Michael Lind

My Political Compass

I was doing a little blog surfing and ran across this at Kulkuri's place. There is a brief test, but I happen to like test taking so there's that. And I knew ahead of time that I would score in the liberal/libertarian quadrant of the test, but I'm more liberal/libertarian than Gandhi. Go me. I'd be wearing my kurta and my dhoti but it turned chilly overnight and cool today. I washed my warm winter slippers two days ago and I'm still waiting for them to dry so I have cold feet today.

Tomorrow I'll do my rave review of the movie, Soloist (it's a great movie). And I'll tell you all about the lunch date. The Med. Cafe gets a mixed review, in case your waiting to make lunch plans at the Med Cafe and can't wait for the full review.

To take the test go to politicalcompass.

Matinee Movie Wednesday

Lunch and a movie. Couldn't be a better day for it. I've had technical difficulties all day Tuesday, and so a break wouldn't be a bad idea. I got myself into such a pickle today that I nearly had a brain freeze. Finally Sitenoise came to my rescue. And once he's here on my side of the screen moving the cursor around for me, doing this and that so fast and with such ease, that I really can't figure out how I so messed things up that I didn't have a dock or a dashboard, no way to shut a program down or force quit anything. I finally manually turned off the computer, the external hard drive, unplugged everything one thing at a time, and finally it rebooted. Then I had a teeny, tiny dock. Then Phillip got home from his evening outing to rescue me, via screen sharing all the way from San Francisco.

This week's movie is catch up time. We are long overdue for a movie what with me feeling sickish for months. Now I feel better. And we are months overdue on Nick's Birthday Lunch. So it's Italian food for lunch and then we're going to see the Soloist. While Phillip was putting my blog world back together, he asked me if it was a good restaurant. I said, "I don't know, I've never been there. He asked me how I decided if an Italian restuarant was any good. And I told him if they could make a Spaghetti alla Carbonara correctly they were a good Italian restaurant. And then a conversation insued about the "correct way to make a Spaghetti alla Carbonara. I'm a stickler for a classic. No garlic in a Carbonara, I said, no olive oil, but I might be wrong on that. But basically it's spaghetti, raw egg, Italian bacon, and the fat from the bacon. The spaghetti is cooked al dente, the bacon cooked, then the hot fat and raw eggs whipped and are drizzled from their separate containers onto the hot pasta as the pasta is turned and stirred. So to make it well it takes impeccable timing and three hands working simultaneously for this dish to work. Simple ingredients, three hands working in perfect concert, a good hard grated cheese and freshly ground pepper. That's it. What must be obvious is that unless you are Shiva, it takes two to Carbonara. Phillip suggests that garlic is a good addition, I say no. Then just as I become completely dictatorial and shrill Ms M comes to my rescue, saving me from myself. I was starting to sound like Mussolini.

Someone's Tipping Cows Again

At least that's what it looks like to me when I look out the window and see this sight. From a distance with my myopia, they could for all the world be some chubby bovine breed on the small side. Or maybe they're fat palomino ponies. Whatever they are they're mighty lazy. The one closest to me has dragged his water bowl with him, no doubt spilling the contents.

Blog Tune-up and a Bit of Editing

I'm trying to get those of you who are in my big blog roll onto the feed so your newest postings rise to the top and catch my attention. I also plan to edit those two chapters sitting there with meticulous editorial notes from MRMacrum, and then start posting the novel again in the Novel Blog. I took it offline when I entered that contest. I'm lazy about all kinds of housekeeping including blog housekeeping. And then there is that deep drift of dust everywhere in my house.

It's starting to heat up and I have yet to turn on my outside water or uncover the swamp coolers. So much to do with so little inclination. I'm reading a good political thriller and it calls to me as it lies face down on my bed. But I have work to do and will flog myself into doing it one tiny chore at a time.

I'll be posting photos of my great outdoors to document the progress of bloomage, from early spring to late fall. Lucky you, you get to see it all. These shots are of the pink Honeysuckle just outside my door. Too bad it doesn't smell like Halls, but the Hall's Honeysuckle blooms later in the month and it's on the other side of my front door.

Mother's Love

It is her image of herself as better than us all
We mortal daughters , imperfect, malleable, left
Like a poorly smithed shoe leaving a limping foal
Always wanting more than she was willing to give
Sold cheaply for a reputation as a good horse trader
To the man in the white coat and hat with the PhD,
The country club, the Cabin in the Private Gated Canyon
So exclusive were you that you would never let yourself in.

Peggy Pendleton
5/10/09

Daughters Are...

Daughters are their mother's memories of themselves
Trapped for a moment like a bug in amber then
Left for dead or worshipped like the god she is
To herself, the creator, the first mover, the one
And only after death comes and goes and
The amber of your mother's memory of
Herself becomes clear to you
Then do you realize
You loved her

Posted by Utah Savage
5/10/09

Me, My Mother, and I

Therapy this past Wednesday was intense work. Quite a lot of time was spent in a postmortem of the disastrous date with Cal. (As you may recall my last therapy session was to get ready for my date with Cal). See Cal, we're still trying to figure out what went wrong, and how to make it right.

It seems there are times I channel my mother and not in her finest moments. But she was fierce and honest about her feelings. She was opinionated and forceful, always direct to a fault. And she was mischievous in a mean and teasing way I always hated. The flip side of not liking that is the wit in her barbs. She was quick and sometimes glib. And though I saw her as my tormenter when I was young, she was also my mother whom I adored.

Everything that I have said about her that you would think of as clearly cruel and careless has a flip side. She said she wanted to make me tough. She has succeeded. I'm not only tough, I'm strong and, so I'm told, intimidating, scary. I have her voice, her vocabulary, her taste in clothes, esthetic, intelligence and hunger for knowledge.

She was the very picture of Ms. Robinson--older woman seduces younger man. She had an almost inextinguishable sex appeal even into her 70s. And she was a political operative and leading edge feminist organizer in the 1960's in Salt Lake City, an inhospitable environment for the women's movement. She organized and led pickets of the Mormon temple on the weekend of General Conference which is when the temple grounds are packed with the faithful who have come from across the country and from other countries. It's like a biannual trip to Mecca. I have never been so scared protesting for anything anywhere in my travels, as I was marching with my mother to protest the Mormon Church's apposition to ratification by the State of Utah of the Equal Right's Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. We were threatened with death by young mormon men and we were spat upon. Never have I felt so vulnerable to violence. We had a permit, we were outside the Church's property on a public sidewalk, but I felt scared. That was when I first realized my mother's power and strength as a woman with a cause.

My mother organized the Utah Chapter of National Organization of Women, the Utah National Women's Conference. Gloria Steinem slept in the bed I inherited. So did Betty Freidan, and Andrea Dworkin. Every famous feminist who came to speak at the University of Utah was picked up at the airport by my mother, driven to this house, partied at this place. My mother was a woman with a rich and interesting life. She sat on the Board of Directors of the Utah Chapter of the ACLU and board meetings were held in this living room. Our last Mayor was Rocky Anderson and I knew him during his days as an ACLU attorney.

When Maggy lived in Santa Barbara she served two terms as a member of the Santa Barbara Grand Jury. Right up until the end of her life she was still flipping people off and saying "Fuck You." Fierce spirit. A savage woman, unwilling to live a life without breaking all the rules.

And what does all of this have to do with therapy? I will now acknowledge the gifts my mother gave me. They are undeniable and not all bad. But I would rather be gentler than my mother, more sensitive to other peoples feelings, especially if they are kind, well meaning, generous people. I have seen my mother hurt someone else very deliberately. And I have asked her, "Why did you do that?" And she has answered, "Because I could." I do not want to become that woman. So I must take care.

So here's to you mother. It's late in coming, but I do forgive you. I did admire and adore you even as I feared you.

Adagio for Strings With a Twist

I Took Your Advise

I went outside, pulled weeds with my naked hands, now my back aches and my hands are like sandpaper. Are you happy now? I came in for ice tea and in bending down to find the slice of lemon left in the veggie bin I got a good whiff of the inner depths of my fridge. It was not pleasant. I pasted up a sign on the front that labeled my fridge "Denmark" and opened the freezer to get some ice. It was a jumble of haphazardly thrown in portions of everything freezable. Little single servings of one bone-in pork chop, one skin-on ribs-in chicken breast. Two unopened bags of peas, frozen pineapple, blueberries, raspberries, vodka, old ice cream that got tossed right away since who wants ice cream with an inch of frost? So I moved from the mess in the garden, that still doesn't look any different, to the refrigerator which I can't remember cleaning in the past year.

One of the neurosis I caught from my mother was the always packed fridge, as if she were cooking for a family of four even when she lived alone. Crammed with every condiment known to man, exotic oils, bitters, capers, gibson onions, three kinds of pickles, four varieties of jelly and jam, beer, vermouth, soft drinks, milk, mayonnaise (which I consider a food group) mixed greens, green pepper, sliced portobello mushrooms, wilting celery, green onions, one limp jalepeno pepper, a small wad of liquifying cilantro, and so on. The cupboards are similarly stocked. I could feed unexpected guests though there will never be unexpected guests. Anyone unexpected will never get through the gate without having the dogs let out to greet them. No, there will be no unexpected guests.

Well now the fridge is clean, I discovered a collection of small containers of some kind of left-over way at the back of the second or third shelf, and they were completely unrecognizable, so covered in furry mold were they. Out damn spot! Yes, I can hear you making that universal sound of disgust. I will pretend I didn't hear that, but I did.

The freezer is now clean too. I feel ever so well provisioned now that everything that's in there is actually edible and not reeking either.

But I cleaned the whole thing without using gloves. I used water with a little soap and enough bleach to chap my hands further. Now there are little cracks at the end of a couple of fingers. And my back aches. I did fix myself the most delicious dinner. Pure comfort food. Milk soaked breast of chicken, breaded with flour and cornmeal, seasonings, fried in peanut oil and butter, mashed potatoes, chicken gravy, and peas with dill and butter. Uummm. It was great.

I'll take one of my 800mg ibuprofen, a 5mg diazipam, and stretch out for an evening of channel surfing and chain smoking.

I did not visit the blogs today. If I could drag my computer into my bed, I'd be reading and commenting up a storm. But the tips of two of my typing fingers have little red fissures and my computer is not a lap top. It hurts to type. Can you hear the whine in my voice? The fingers will get the hydrogen peroxide and bag balm treatment. A good night's sleep and I'll be right as rain tomorrow. Then I'm going to talk a bit about therapy. I've been mulling it over.

I'll Be Outside Getting Some Sun Today

Seems I have a number of Jewish Mothers out there. And just for all of you, I'll post evidence of my time outside, because it would be so easy to lie to you and say I did when I didn't. I can be a stubborn contrarian. But I do feel that your suggestions that I get out and about are meant to do me some good. I should not always rebel against everyone just on general principal. When I saw Rebel Without A Cause, I really understood the impulse implied in that title. And having spent a lifetime wanting to be the best girl in the world, and so pissed off that at the same time I wanted to be perfect, I also wanted to say "fuck you" to every person who ever tried to tell me what to do. This might have something to do with the three failed marriages.

Anyway, If you want me today, I'm out in the garden.

Thanks for the email Soairse Daily2

Falling Slowly

Yesterday's Trip Out Into The World

Despite the before and after pictures, yesterday went very well. I think what wore me out was all the gadding about before the therapy, and the trip to the bank and the grocery store after. But the therapy itself was very productive and helpful. However the journey to and fro was almost more interesting then the therapy itself.

I am a notorious recluse. So any outing where I bump up against other humans is sometimes a mine field for me. I don't like people much in the abstract, but I do run into people I like instantly, like the three sisters who run the gas station where I got my fill-up. These are three of the funniest, warmest women I've ever met at a gas station. I will now never get my gas anywhere else. They have made a loyal customer.

I was washing the 8 yards of thick fabric I cover my couch with at the laundry across the street from the gas station. So while my fabric was washing I went next door to fill my gas tank. I pulled up to the pump I wanted and discovered my tank was on the other side of the car. I repositioned the car and found the pump was out of order. So after three tries I got pulled up to a working pump, then I couldn't find the release for the cover of my gas cap. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I bought this vehicle last summer from a neighbor and I drive so little (and even then don't go very far) I have only put gas in the car twice before, and each time had to get some guy to show me where the gas cover release is. It's embarrassing. After about five minutes of searching I finally figured that out. Then I put the chosen nozzle in the tank and couldn't figure out how to start the pump. I spent five minutes trying, then headed into the store thinking that maybe I had to pay before I could pump. I usually hate to ask men to help me since I don't like to see myself as an idiot woman who can't do anything for herself, so I was expecting some young man to be manning the cash register who would give me that look that says, "idiot old woman", but instead I was greeted by three women who were in the midst of a jocular banter with one another. Turns out they are the women who run the place and were cheerful about giving me the gas pumping tutorial. Then while I was pumping gas, two of the sisters were leaning against the building smoking. So when I finished filling the tank and washing the filthy windows, and emptying the ashtray, I walked over to thank them and ask if I could take their picture. They cheerfully agreed. The photo above is of me and one of the smiling jocular sisters. I'll never buy gas at another station. That's what cheerful customer service gets you--loyal customers.

This is the first time I've taken my camera with me on an outing. I have a fairly large digital camera and it's not like whipping out a cellphone with a built-in camera. And then I have to carry its case slung over my shoulder along with my purse. But yesterday I wanted to take pictures of the Valley Mental Health facility where the Masters Program (for bipolar patients over fifty) is located. But carrying your camera around with you makes you want to take pictures of almost everything. I'll link to Picasa and post these photos of the commercial district in my area called Sugarhouse and then south to Valley Mental Health. Later when my head clears and I've had my second cup of coffee, I'll tell you all about the hour and a half session with my therapist and the half hour with my psychiatrist. All good. No medication changes.

Here are the photos I took of my trip to get my head shrunk.

Therapy Today

I was awakened two hours earlier than scheduled by Ms M, whose room mate makes several noisy trips back and forth on the ancient creaky oak floor from her room to the bathroom, opening and closing the bathroom door, running water for a bath and so on. Usually Ms M sleeps late on her day off, but this morning she came walking into my place at 8:30 straight to the big bowl sized cups for her morning latte, which would have been my latte and I would have been drinking it at 10:30. I said, "Is the pot empty?"
"Yes."
"Make another pot, okay?" Then I asked her what the hell she was doing up, but didn't say, "And walking into my place as if..."

She made moaning noises as she drank that cup of coffee. I thought that was rude. Keep it down with your pleasure over my first cup of coffee.
All of this human interaction got me up and ready to head out into the small portion of the Salt Lake Valley I think of as my neighborhood. From here to The Masters Program at Valley Mental Health, and back with several stops along the way. (There will be photos at a future undisclosed date.)

This is me on the way out the door.








This is me when I got home.


Details later.

I'm The Very Picture of Sloth

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	Very High
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Low
Pride:	Very Low

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

The reason I've posted this is that after nearly a month of avoidance I'm now cleaning my house. Then I'm going to therapy. Pictures later.

Hey, Technorati! Why So Fickle?

I know it's crazy to pay any attention to a little thing like a technorati score, but ever since I installed that damn widget, I can't take my eyes off it. It teases me by changing almost daily--up one point one day, and down one the next. It was only six months ago that I became aware that there was such a thing as a technorati score. The widget lists favorite tags, and I guess if I really wanted to, I could get smarter with my tags. I could pay attention to the momentary fashion of popular tags and label my post with a key word that would jack up my technorati score artificially, but that would be dishonest, and I hate the fact that I give a shit what my technorati score is. I have recently caught myself in so many instances of shallow, foolish, and perhaps hurtful, word flinging, that maybe it's time I put myself in the corner and told myself not to approach the keyboard until I am ready to be smart and witty and write well just for the fun of it, and not give a damn what technorati thought about my tags.

Technorati, you are like the evil stepmother in Snow White with a magic mirror. One of these days, I'm going to take you off that wall, because you've been really pissing me off.

And by the way, Comrade Kevin, my widget really loves you.

A Strong Cup of Coffee

Awarded by
Spadoman
to Utah Savage

Thank you Spadoman. I am touched by this award, as bracing as the coffee I drink every morning. It comes with no strings attached, no chores to do, no obligations. This is an award I can embrace, and it will always give me a jolt of energy to see it here. Blessings like this make life a momentary pleasure that can be repeated whenever the need hits for a cuppa Java.

This is the Bella Award, Coming to Your Blog Soon

Heads up, you know it's coming your way and soon, since this one comes with the responsibility to link it to fifteen, yes, that's 15 deserving bloggers. What makes one a deserving blogger? That I'll leave up to you. I like encouraging new bloggers (yeah like I've been around a long time. I may be old, but I've only been blogging a year and a half. It is now my biggest addiction. It gives me that warm feeling of community that being a recluse prevents in the "real" world.) I feel very close to those of you who visit and comment. I know there are readers who never say anything and I wonder what prevents them. At any rate, if you're new to me I plan to pass this sweet little prize on to you.


If nothing else it makes you pass it to fifteen other bloggers all linked up and friendly like. It came to me from PENolan, of Menopausal Stoner. She and I might be related--if not in the DNA, then in the spirit. She's good people. And here are fifteen others.

Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein--he's not new, but he knows and has in his hip pocket a great new site posted on his site right now.

StarSpangledHaggis is one of my favorite reads. E writes on a variety of subjects. I'd call her an eclectic writer--always worth the visit.


The Attentive Aphorist otherwise known as TheMom or Moms Nuts. I want her banner. Read That banner or header or whatchacallit for the Attentive Aphorist. Cracks me up every time.

The Lazy Iguana because I was just there and there is a quiz I've got to go back and take.

WeeMousie has a link to a new information site. I'll head back there to pick that link up and bring it home.

Mr. E is the newest smartypants I know. This is going to burden and embarrass him but we'll see if he's got game. He's got nerve and hutzpah to spare, but does he have the chops to link to sixteen bloggers? We'll see.

Spadoman Peace man. Love that photo of the youngest member of the clan. I know this is a girly looking award, but you're secure aren't you.

Shallow Coffee is young and pretty and maybe bipolar too. I think one of the younger bloggers who knows I'm bipolar pointed me in your direction. So far I see lots of spring fashions on your site and god knows I could use a push in the direction of a spring spruce-up, so... I hope this award is welcome at your place.

Telling Secrets is a title I especially like bacause it's what I do. I tell all my secrets. It's a way to exorcise my demons. The problem for me in being a secret teller is that I sometimes tell other people's secrets as well.

Treybald, because I prefer baldness to many of the alternatives men choose when coping with the slow or rapid creeping hair loss that is their lot. You, Treybald have embraced the classic look of the very self confident. Kudos!

Take Your Medicine isn't a new blog, but relatively new to me. Lulu Maude has a lovely voice and a point of view I find simpatico, so that's all it takes to get an award from me. Now take your medicine Lulu Maude.

Mootpoint Neither Here Nor There
Because we have more in common than meets the eye and you are new to me, so this is a way to get to know each other better. I'm not a big stickler for the rules, but the nice thing about doing this linking thing is it brings new people to our attention.

Giggles at Wits and Wiggles who is a great commenter. Thank you for pointing out to me that my therapists terrible taste in clothes and bad hair might be a sign that he is secure with his appearance. But why? is my next question.

Ingrid's Blogger's Roundtable, is not the newest kid on the block but is a wealth of wisdom and good and timely news stories and practical advise and a hell of a twitterer.

LeeAnn's Under The Apple Tree I give you this award for your extraordinary personal generosity and kindness. And because you bake the world's best pumpkin bread.

Details

Stone, a new leaf from the
Chestnut Trees, dirt work
Done on ones bare knees
Stones the color of rust, Color of weathered wood, Color of my Mother's pale Blue eyes but warmer
A cool pink like a sleeping Baby's cheek the leaf
A pale lime green
Stripes in stone, like veins
Pulsing at the throat

Heart Like A Wheel

Alone With Longing

Life left me alone with longing
Pretending I need nothing more
Knowing why I am unloved

At heart an unmet need like hunger
Eats at me and I grow fat on pain
Leaking tears like famished babies

Old, alone, no longer wanting joy
Cracking jokes that no one hears
Waiting for the end of one more

Days of empty longing deaths
Freedom from this rending sorrow
Nothing mends nor ever will

This heart keeps beating without
Meaning why awaken to do nothing
Lasting or redeeming transformation

All the work with time undone
And in the end left to crumble
Alone at last with longing

Peggy Pendleton
5/1/19

What Kind Of Wolf Am I?

I could have answered this question without taking a quiz.

Your result for The What type of wolf are you test...

The Loner

9% Social-ness, 40% Leadership, 9% Morbidity, 82% Lonliness, 40% Inferiority and 20% Beta-ness!

You are the Loner (aka, the Lone Wolf). You don't seem to get along with others, so you prefer to keep to yourself and watch from afar.

Take The What type of wolf are you test at HelloQuizzy

Mint In My Garden

I'm now finally able to drink my favorite beverage--fresh mint tea. This is the patch at the edge of the two steps up to my driveway. This is the time of year I really get my hydrating cleanse on. Mint tea hot, mint tea iced, mint tea mixed with Earl Grey, milky and sweet. I put mint in salads. And when I walk through it as it's everywhere in my garden, it smells great. Dogs come into the house fragrant with the scent of mint. I realize I will never be able to plant a garden where I get a bit of sun because the mint will overtake it in no time at all. I have spearmint, peppermint, and lemon mint.

A Poem In My Pocket

Picked up at Mauigirl's Meanderings this evening. It took my breath away. The post that introduces this poem is also breathtaking.

Assault

I had forgotten how the frogs must sound
After a year of silence, else I think
I should not so have ventured forth alone
At dusk upon this unfrequented road.

I am waylaid by Beauty. Who will walk
Between me and the crying of the frogs?
Oh, savage Beauty, suffer me to pass,
That am a timid woman, on her way
From one house to another!
-Edna St. Vincent Millay

My Therapist, Fred

Fred returned my call yesterday evening just as President Obama was starting his press conference. As you might have guessed, when the phone rang, I checked caller ID and seeing that it was an "unknown caller," I picked up and hung up since it was the hour of day most nuisance calls are made--telemarketers, insurance companies trying to tell me I MUST have insurance coverage to get the most out of my medicare coverage (lying, opportunistic bastards). I wonder why they think calling while most people are sitting down to dinner is a smart idea? If I'm not watching something that's really important to me, I like to tell them what asswipes I think they are. I try to keep them on the phone as long as possible while I tell them the truth about their smarmy business. But last night I was watching the President, so I just hit on and then off so it was obvious that I was not just ignoring the call but actually hanging up. The phone rang again almost instantly, so I thought I was going to have to yell at someone.

Turns out it was Fred calling from The Masters Program where discretion is important, so no caller ID. Since this was a call I really needed to take, I cranked down the volume on the TV and Fred and I talked about my appointment with my internist yesterday. In my conversation with her while she was checking my clotting factor, I told her I'd figured out that what had begun as a mild upper respiratory infection has turned into a mild case of mood disorder heading toward depression. We talked about the specific drugs I'm on for bipolar disorder and she suggested that rather than switch to another antidepressant I might just need an increase in the dosage of my major antidepressant. I like this idea, since the antidepressant I'm on (Doxepin Hydrochloride) doesn't usually interfere with my sleep cycle and allows me to dream. It does add weight. So far it's put 30 pounds on my normally slender frame. If I were still modeling this would be a deal breaker, but now I don't really give a shit about an extra thirty pounds. What I do care about is this volatility, this whipping around of my moods, this creeping downturn into cottony dumbness and drifting off to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. A half hour nap in the mid afternoon would be terrific, but once asleep, I can't wake up. And whether or not I take that three hour "nap," I'm waking up at 4:30 in the morning with a killer headache. For a woman who was never a morning person, this is way out of character for me. I hate being wide awake when it's still dark outside. I hate Morning Joe. I was raised by a person who thought early morning was the best time of the day, and anyone who disagreed with her was an idiot. I guess we already know I'm an idiot. But the dark before dawn is highly overrated in my opinion.

Anyway, I have an appointment next Wednesday early afternoon. Fred is a civilized man. He may have some serious image problems (that I could fix if he'd only listen to me) but even though he looks stupid, he's smart. He used to be my Group leader. I was skeptical at first, because how could anyone with a combover and scraggly shoulder length dingy gray hair, wearing a really ugly Hawaiian shirt, black polyester pants, a belt with a big round buckle (almost covered by a pot belly) and cowboy boots be smart? If this sounds familiar to anyone reading it you know this thread in my relationships with men marks me as shallow in the extreme. Come to think of it, every man I've loved and left got a makeover.

My Garden On The 29th Of April

Spring Garden evidence that I do go outside and enjoy the sun. I took all these photos today.

Riding the Bipolar Roller Coaster

It's been a long time, in bipolar terms, since I experienced a real depressive episode. But I remember, now that I've been going through it again, that depression sometimes presents as organic illness. I start to feel sick. Feeling sick is not my normal state. This feeling sick sends me to my internist. And in the early phase I might have some mild and transient illness that can either be treated or waited out. But I don't bounce back. Feeling ill lingers. Not sick enough to simply stay in bed, but not well enough to want to do much of anything. It's a headache that's hard to get rid of, or a bowel disturbance, or low grade fever, or a slow, creeping stupidity that scares me more than anything. It's the transitions from one pole to the other that are the most dangerous. It's when we, the bipolar, realize depression is bearing down on us and we still have the energy to do something about it, that we know we can't stand it again. That's when we think about suicide. If I were suicidal, I would not be talking about it, so relax. I'm not suicidal. But I have been there, more than once. It's why I don't fear death by cancer or heart disease or a fatal car accident.

In Salt Lake, under the umbrella of medicare, we have Valley Mental Health. And within Valley Mental Health is a group called The Master's Program. You have to be bipolar and over fifty to qualify. I think calling a program for the old bipolar patients The Masters Program is both funny and apt. If you've lived past fifty and you are bipolar, you're damn special. You have survived a very difficult life. And I'm always amazed how many of us there are. We are often treated for substance abuse(self medicating) which might result in a bit of trouble with the law, especially for men. Men are more likely to be incarcerated than women, since men are more likely to be violent against others, where as women are more likely to be self destructive.

We can be extremely charming, and we can be horrid. I would not choose a bipolar friend to hang around with. In my opinion many of us are more trouble than we're worth. And in transition we can be seething with barely suppressed rage. In a manic phase we can seem as if we're taking large doses of amphetamines--motor mouthed and loud. I sure wouldn't chose to spend my time with anyone like me. But for the person experiencing a bit of mania it's damn fun. We all live for the hypomanic phase of the illness. But, like the way down, the way up is also dangerous.

All this to say, I called The Masters Program today, got through the gate keepers to the psychiatrist's nurse. She said she would get back to me tomorrow when she'd had a chance to talk to Dr. Issabela, whose booked two months out. So I was instructed to call Fred, my therapist, set up an appointment on a day Dr. Issabela will be in the office. She will look in on me between appointments, consult with Fred and between them they will decide if I go off Doxepin Hydrochloride and back on Zoloft. I have over the course of my life dealing with this monster illness found that not that many of the drugs to control my illness are tolerable to me. They all have some side effects. And some are worse than others. This drug gives you tremors and this drug makes you fat, this drug makes you stupid and this drug steals your dreams. Go ask Alice. I'm guessing she was bipolar.

I'm Spending the Day At Three Dames With A Clue

Yes, I'm getting out and around today. I'll even spend some time in the sun, Lib. But if anyone cares to make the trip, I'm spending the day at Three Dames With a Clue. It was Katie Schwartz, that very witty and energetic broad, who issued the invitation. So far the other women they've featured in this series of women who have reinvented themselves and write about it are some very accomplished women--with published books and marriages that work. So, I see myself as their one fruitcake without a clue. The questions were pretty simple and straightforward: What's your name, what's your read about, how do you reinvent yourself? My task, as I saw it, was to keep it brief. Ask me a simple question and I'll give you a complicated, convoluted answer that never seems to satisfy. But still, I'd love it if you'll visit me there.